According to modern astronomers

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they've left things."

-- Woody Allen

Woody Allen on God

"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."

-- Woody Allen

On achieving immortality

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying."

-- Woody Allen

Groucho on success

"The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."

-- Groucho Marx

Political satire became obsolete...

"Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize."

-- Tom Lehrer
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